The difference between oldest child and their siblings and how that affects their outlook.

Tommy is my oldest son. The kid like I have mentioned in all my other blogs is really smart. Tommy turned five on the 20th. I don’t know what it is but his attitude in life is changing all the sudden. He asks me all the time “Mommy do you love Dil more than you love me”? And I have to answer him the truth,” I love you both the same baby but since you brother is younger I have to look after him a little harder than I would with you” So he decides to do whatever his 2 year old bother does. Is it a phase? I am not sure because I believe all of the oldest children feel some sort of way about their siblings. We are not only very protective of our younger siblings but we are very jealous of them at the same time. And apparently it starts at a young age. How many of you can say you were the oldest child and you felt neglected sometimes because of your younger siblings? Unfortunately that’s not something that can be fixed, its not like we can throw the other children away so that the eldest one is happy. No that wouldn’t work ha. But I guess you can spend individual time with your eldest child so that they feel special and loved. I honestly don’t have a favorite, I love both of my children so much it would break me if I ever lost them. But since Dil screams and cries and breaks and throws things, mommy has to be up his butt.
I remember when I was a child, I am an eldest child as well, I would flip out all the time just to get any kind of attention since my younger sister got all the good attention. I became the bad apple of the family because I learned to deal with everyone by acting out, where as my younger sister worked hard to succeed. The harder she worked the more I failed. I felt like a very neglected child. Unfortunately as you grow, those feelings follow you, and haunt you. There are still times I feel that horrible alone and worthless feeling I felt as a child. That’s what scares me about my little Tommy. I can already see the resentment in his eyes when it comes to his little brother. So I am trying to come up with a game plan. How do you stop these feelings before they erupt into something they never were suppose to be.
My first idea really is to take your children out on by one and do something special with them, even if its just a walk along without the other sibling (which I know is hard for us single mothers out there) or maybe plan a special day revolved all around that child. I know one thing I need to do better as a mother is listen to my son. Because sometimes all he wants to do is talk to me but I end up having to say I am busy or something. My kids deserve the world and it hurts when one of them feels like they are not loved by me. Has anyone ever experienced this or have comments on the eldest child problem. I know there must be some of you out there that have experienced this eldest child problem. Either with your kids or even within yourself. It hurts to hurt.


Abuse, Homelessness and unstability and the stress it puts on your children

The other day I went to pick up Tommy and Dil from daycare and the weirdest thing happened. The teachers told me that Dil was refusing to eat all day and couldn’t stop crying. Usually Dil is the type of kid that runs around crazy and breaks things and never has a care in the world. So when I hear that my baby is feeling insecure it honestly made me cry. As soon as I walked in the room to get him from snack time, he started eating and drinking. I just felt so horrible because I am the reason he is feeling insecure.

Right now we are homeless. We moved out of a house we were living in with their dad because the abuse started getting out of control. My sons were picking up on it and acting out the same way their father was. So I knew changes had to be made so I did what I had to do. Since we haven’t had a stable place to stay, the boys have been feeling very insecure. It shows in everything. Unfortunately this is a really confusing time for them and they don’t get why this is happening. When I asked Tommy why he thinks its ok to hit and spit on me and laugh about it, he just said “we’ll daddy does it”. That burned me to the core.

When kids experience things like abuse and homelessness it changes their whole outlook and perspective. I can understand the insecurity that is there because I feel it to, every time I look for a new place to sleep for us that night. Some might say I made a stupid decision but for me it was the right one. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking abuse is ok but then again I don’t want them growing up insecure because mommy can’t find a place to live. Children’s lives get destroyed when they don’t have stability. I was told once that stability is the most important thing for a child and unfortunately right now I can’t give them that.

I hate seeing my kids cry, I hate the pain they feel and I feel it to. They love their father and they have every right to, so this affects them in that way to. They went from having a bed to sleep in at night to not knowing where we are going to be tomorrow. I put us in this situation, but I will get us out because the love you feel for a child is strong enough to conquer any problems in your path. My kids are stressed, but mommy will somehow make it work and make them feel better because they deserve it. They deserve a life without watching their mother get abused though as well. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? I am curious to know?



Single parenting, Hurtful or helpful?

I have been a single mother on and off for 5 years now. Honestly single parenting has always terrified me and probably always will. How do you know if single parenting is the right step to make? Some women don’t have the choice and end up single mothers because the fathers want nothing to do with their children. But what about when its your choice as a mother to be a single parent?

 Recently, I have cut off all contact with my kids father for reasons I have explained I earlier posts. In my opinion, as a mother, cutting him out of my life is probably the best thing I could do for my children. Between the domestic violence and just plain never having a nice word to say to each other, it was getting out of hand to where my sons thought it was okay to treat me the same way. Tommy and Dill’s father though is honestly a good father, just not a good, well anything else at his point in his life. My children were affected before the whole split and they are definitely affected now. Tommy is constantly asking me, “Why doesn’t daddy want to see me today mommy?” Honestly all I can do is sit there and tell him daddy is sick or daddy is at school or daddy is doing something. Even though I have a lot of hatred built up for their father,  I would rather my boys not. I stayed with their father in a messed up situation for years to ensure that my boys had a roof over their head and food on their plate.  It got to the point though that I became ready to break free and believe that within myself I can find the strength and resources to provide these things for my sons. My sons are hurt though, they are confused all the time and their is nothing I can do to make them feel better. I know some day they will feel better and in the long run that they are better off but are they?

My mother and her husband raise Phil in a two parent house hold. Phil like I have mentioned in earlier posts is a very spoiled basically only child considering his closest in age sibling is 19. Phil has his mommy and daddy at all times, as well as a two parent household income. Income in my opinion really does increase a child’s happiness because they are not needing of anything. Even though there have been problems in my moms and step dads relationship, they stick it out, which I find interesting. My mom is one of those people who doesn’t let go very well, which sort of passed on to me. My step father is an alcoholic and has mental health issues, which I know have affected my brother, but my brother is pretty much for the most part a happy kid. Did they make the right decision? I will never know, I kind of sit back and watch the situation play out.

Now Chuckie’s mom is a single mom as well. She has 2 kids that she cares for and figures out all the time how to raise them on their own. Chuckie’s father was in jail for 6 years of his life, so he did have a couple men come in and out and try and raise him like they were his father. He has a little half brother to a man that was abusive to his mother. In my observations, income is one of the biggest factors on if a child is happy with a single parent or not. Chuckie has nothing, then all the sudden he will have everything and then in  blink of an eye its all taken away again. I imagine that’s hard on a child’s ego and he must not expect much out of life since life hasn’t given him much in return. 3 men have stepped in to raise Chuckie since he was born, and they all come in an out of his if as well. Now that his father is out of jail, he is not having much contact with him either. The only person he’s ever had consistent in his life is his mother and that’s a rare thing as well.

So in the end, my biggest question is, does growing up without a mother or father in a child’s life hurt them? Or in the long run can it help them? What’s right or wrong when it comes to being a single parent, or even a two parent homed family? That’s where I wish you would tune in America and help me out, Maybe on some of your own experiences?



Raising a child when your bipolar

Mental health affects many americans as well as others all over the world. I am one of those unfortunate people with mental health issues I have had since I was a kid. My sons see me and deal with me everyday, and unfortunately understand exactly whats going on. Since I was 14 I have been diagnosed with many different mental health issues. At 18 I finally got the right diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. I have been told that their is a 40% chance that my sons will develop the same disorder. Drama consumes my life and when I am off my medication, I am not responsible or right and my kids unfortunately go through it all. My son Tommy tells me everyday how I have a sick brain and I need to go get it fixed. He is more logical then me at times which really hurts. Tommy is an incredibly smart kid and picks up on everything that happens within my life and his. He is such a loving kid but shows signs of mental disease as well. When I get manic I end up dragging my kids all over gods creation because I feel like I need to. I know it sounds selfish but its what I do. My kids don’t have the stability they need, they are stuck with a mother who can’t control herself at times. Tommy watches everything I do and for the moment he thinks its cool that mommy wants to run away and do things we shouldn’t be doing. He thinks and sees the same way I think I feel like an invincible child at times. Tommy understands it all unfortunately and is stuck with the consquences of having me for a mother. Nothing is easy when your a parent but when your world is surrounded by drama that you created because you feel like your actions have no consequences you end up feeling like your drowning and bringing your children down with you.