I have always been the type of mother to talk to my kids about things I probably shouldn’t. My kids have been involved in a lot since the days they were born. My older son Tommy has seen things most kids his age shouldn’t. He has watched his dad beat me up, seen me at my worst when I am struggling with depression, and have watched things go on in our household that he shouldn’t. I believe I was very wrong in the way I talked to my son back then. He was little yet I unknowingly involved him in everything that was going on in my life at that point. My son knows what a PFA is, he knows what drug addiction is and he knows that mommy has been hurt over and over again. When things would happen or when I would get beat up, I would talk to my son about it, trying to explain what was happening and that he should do the opposite. Honestly I don’t know how that will develop within him as he grows older. Tommy is incredibly smart and such an understanding kid. He picks up on everything around him and can repeat back to you almost anything that has been said. When it comes to me and his dad, we have spewed a lot of hatred and evil words to each other for years. My son has listened to all of this and can repeat it back to me. Tommy’s outlook on life has changed because of the things he has experienced since he was born. I hear him say things that shock me to my core. “MOMMY, YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR MEDICINE YOUR BEING CRAZY AGAIN”, Tommy says to me. Other things I would rather not discuss get brought up as well. Dil is 2 and isn’t very developed in his speech yet. But I can sense the anger he has from all the things he has heard and seen. Dil says things in gibberish that sound like something I have said before. And of course he picks up on curse words more than regular speech. I believe that the things I have said to Dil and the things he has seen is why he has behavioral issues. He breaks things, he is clingy when it comes to me, and he even tries to run away. Its hard for me to not include my kids in what’s going on in my head, which I know is wrong. I am not saying that I am completely honest with them, but they do know a lot more then they should. My children are my whole world, but I know I am affecting their outlook on the world. When I tell my sons how upset or sad I am and how broke we are, they don’t get to be care free. They start feeling the same pain that I am feeling at that moment. When I tell my sons how upset I am with their father, even though I don’t go into detail it affects their relationship with their father and how they view him. I know I put a lot of information I shouldn’t in my blogs but I do so to be honest and truthful and to get feed back that has the same qualities.