music and parenting….

I know that’s a weird subject, how does music relate to parenting? Well actually it has a lot to do with it. If you think about it from the moment most women conceive they hum or sing or incorporate some songs or music into their children while inside the womb. For example, when my mother was pregnant with my brother, I would go up to her stomach and I would sing “Hooked on a feeling” to him. Honestly, when he was born I would sing it to him and you could see on his face he knew the song, its just crazy how much impact music has on a child.

 With Tommy, I would hum songs here and there, and the only way the child would drift off to sleep when he was little for naps and everything else was if I sang to him. I sang songs from all time low, modest mouse, and basically any song that came to head. But his song, because both of my children have their own special song, was “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I wanted to incorporate that song into his life in hopes for him to become that kind of man. To this day, he still lights up whenever I sing it to him. It is his song, and when mommy sings it to him in brings him a type of comfort no T.v show or anything or anyone else could give him. I love it, the true honest love and honest affection that you give that child and the feelings that he/she recieves by just singing certain tunes to your baby. I believe its one of the best forms of therapy in some cases for some children. When Tommy has a bad day, I throw on one of his favorite songs and you can see his mood change from whatever he was feeling to positive. I mean we as adults know how that is, and how it feels, it honestly starts from birth.

   Now with Dil, when I was pregnant with him I swore up and down I was going to have a girl. I would listen to the kinks song “Lola”, over and over again. Yes I know its about a transvestite but I love the song and I love that name HA HA. Anyway, I would sing it all the time when I was pregnant, even after I went into the doctors and found out that my lola was actually a little boy. But it was okay I love him so much and wouldn’t have it any other way. But even with him being a boy my obsession with the song at that point did not subside. So when Dil was born he was a colic baby, he cried CONSTANTLY. I had no sleep for 8 weeks, and if he did let me fall asleep at all is wasn’t for very long. The only time he would stop crying is when he was laying with his head on my chest and I was singing Lola, the only song he responded to believe it or not. When Dil was 7 months old he got very very sick. He came down with RSV and had a fever of 104. I took him to the hospital immediately, nothing was bringing his temp down. We were sitting at children’s hospital, his heart rate was completely out of control. The heart monitor was going crazy and nurses were in and it was just absolutely terrifying. So I did the only thing I could think of, I laid my baby on my chest and I sang his song. L. O . L . A. LOLA HA HA. Anyway, every time I started  singing to him, his heart rate would drop to normal, the beeping would stop, and he was breathing better then he had been before. I was in shock and awe, something so simple, singing a simple song, was helping to save my baby’s life. He was put in isolation on the intensive care unit, and I didn’t leave my baby’s side, I slept in the crib they had him in with him, and cried and prayed. I swear I must have sang that song 1000 times in that 36 hour period, but my baby started getting better, and started to respond and started to come to. My baby was getting better, and I have to thank “the kinks”. I know that might sound funny, but I believe in my heart and from what I saw that, that song helped save my baby’s life that day. 

 All in all, music has such an impact on many peoples lives, but with children, I feel like music can be a key to unlock their emotions, or it could be used as a tool to make your child feel comfort and calm. I believe that music should be incorporated in all parenting styles because of the impact it has on your children. I know that everyone listens to music and everyone sings lulibies to their babies, at least most parents do at one point or another, but I feel like music can be used in so many ways. My boys at the end of the day have a connection with me and an unbreakable bond due to them having their own song. In a way they feel like that song was made for them. Its amazing to see the responses in children when it comes to these kinds of things. My appreciation for music I hope follows down the line and embeds itself into my own children. I honestly believe it already has, and am thankful for such an artistic tool to use to make them smile when their down, or make them fall asleep when they can’t or make them appreciate life, or the little things, or just the impact it has on their emotions and on our bond.

This song is just something that I listen to for myself, to get myself back on track.


Statistics on Domestic violence

Well since this seems to be the theme of quite a few of my blogs because that happens to be apart of my parenting style unfortunately here are a couple, well a boat load of domestic violence statistics for you all to enjoy thanks to http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

■Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
■Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
■Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
■Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
■Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
■Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
■Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
■Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
■Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.
■The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
********■Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.******************* (my biggest fear :(…)


Tommys View on Domestic Violence

I don’t mean to sound like a broken record but my son Tommy is so emotionally scarred and its my fault. Why I ask myself every day, do I put myself and my kids in the positions I do. Their father is not a bad guy and loves his kids so much. He is just a bad guy to me. The reason for this post is for what tommy said to my mother the other day. I got a new job and have been working quite a lot of hours on top of school, so I haven’t been around as much as I need to be to comfort my children with all thats going on with us. I believe thats why Tommy is acting out the way he is, as well as whats going on with our lives.
Tommy like most five year old boys thinks he’s got superman strength. And lately he has been acting a little bit more violent then usual. So while my mother was watching him one night, he looks at her and says “Grandma guess what I can beat you up”, well my mom playing it off looks at him and says “no you can’t Tommy and you shouldn’t want to beat grandma up”. Well Tommy ignores what she says and runs over to my step dad (who I have also had issues with in the past but that would be for a different blog) and says “grampy I can beat you up”. Well grampy is a bit different then grandma and says “No you couldn’t Tommy, I am way stronger then you”. So Tommy says “Well you couldn’t beat up my dad, no one could, he’s strong, he puts bruises all over mommy”. I don’t know what was said after that because I am getting two conflicting stories from my mother and my son, but either way those words did come out of my sons mouth.
So for the last few days those words have been haunting my brain. Does my son really think its cool that daddy did do that to me? Does he really think this behavior is okay? I don’t know what to think. He’s become so violent lately, and he has become extremely attached to his father as well. My mom of course offering no solution to the problem tells me “you need to figure your life out”. Guess what mom, I am trying, I have been trying I am working hard to make sure my kids have a christmas, a life and a future. I am working until I can’t stand, which is leading me to become behind on my school work. I am on as many waiting lists as possible for public housing but guess what? Its not to easy to get in.Its just not that easy to solve this issue. I am on my own with two kids who have seen and have heard so much. All I can do is try. Why though does my son think this is okay? Well my thoughts are that actions speak louder then words so everytime I walk back into that mans life for the past 5 years makes it a little bit more okay the next time it happens. Until finally I believe Tommy is at the point of thinking this is completely normal. Therapy is the only way I think I can reverse this thinking at this point. So is that the right answer? Is there a right answer? I would love to hear what you think America. Because right now I am one lost mommy.


When life throws curve balls at you, what happens to your children?

My children are tough, they are strong and they deal with a lot of stuff that kids there age should never have to. We don’t have that happy home with mommy and daddy. Daddy goes to work the family sits down for dinner and everyone talks about their day. No we don’t have that. Right now with things the way they are, my kids have no structure. But even when things were not as bad, my kids still didn’t have the structure they needed. Mommy has always had a hard time keeping things together, and my boys adjusted to whatever it is I was going through or doing at that time. I am so scared right now because I feel like my kids are having to grow up way to fast and no kid should have to do that. The jumping from house to house, the never having money, the never having gas to get them where they need to go. Sometimes having to beg for a place to stay, and even sometimes running out of food (thank god for food banks), All those worries that I have and the stress and the disgusting feeling in the pit of my stomach, my kids experience the same exact feelings which should never happen. My boys are so confused and lost. I can see the discomfort in their eyes and all I can do is try and make it better.

My mother has some sort of structure for my brother, but she lets him control the house. My brother believes he should have what he wants when he wants it. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to. So when my mother is in a jam, my brother doesn’t understand why he isn’t getting what he should be. The only good thing I can say about my mother’s situation is atleast she has a roof and takes care of her kid and makes sure her kid has what he needs. That kid doesn’t feel what my kids feel, he doesn’t feel the hurt and pain. And I give her credit for that.

So world what do you do? What do you do when your situation gets out of control and all its doing is breaking your children?


The difference between oldest child and their siblings and how that affects their outlook.

Tommy is my oldest son. The kid like I have mentioned in all my other blogs is really smart. Tommy turned five on the 20th. I don’t know what it is but his attitude in life is changing all the sudden. He asks me all the time “Mommy do you love Dil more than you love me”? And I have to answer him the truth,” I love you both the same baby but since you brother is younger I have to look after him a little harder than I would with you” So he decides to do whatever his 2 year old bother does. Is it a phase? I am not sure because I believe all of the oldest children feel some sort of way about their siblings. We are not only very protective of our younger siblings but we are very jealous of them at the same time. And apparently it starts at a young age. How many of you can say you were the oldest child and you felt neglected sometimes because of your younger siblings? Unfortunately that’s not something that can be fixed, its not like we can throw the other children away so that the eldest one is happy. No that wouldn’t work ha. But I guess you can spend individual time with your eldest child so that they feel special and loved. I honestly don’t have a favorite, I love both of my children so much it would break me if I ever lost them. But since Dil screams and cries and breaks and throws things, mommy has to be up his butt.
I remember when I was a child, I am an eldest child as well, I would flip out all the time just to get any kind of attention since my younger sister got all the good attention. I became the bad apple of the family because I learned to deal with everyone by acting out, where as my younger sister worked hard to succeed. The harder she worked the more I failed. I felt like a very neglected child. Unfortunately as you grow, those feelings follow you, and haunt you. There are still times I feel that horrible alone and worthless feeling I felt as a child. That’s what scares me about my little Tommy. I can already see the resentment in his eyes when it comes to his little brother. So I am trying to come up with a game plan. How do you stop these feelings before they erupt into something they never were suppose to be.
My first idea really is to take your children out on by one and do something special with them, even if its just a walk along without the other sibling (which I know is hard for us single mothers out there) or maybe plan a special day revolved all around that child. I know one thing I need to do better as a mother is listen to my son. Because sometimes all he wants to do is talk to me but I end up having to say I am busy or something. My kids deserve the world and it hurts when one of them feels like they are not loved by me. Has anyone ever experienced this or have comments on the eldest child problem. I know there must be some of you out there that have experienced this eldest child problem. Either with your kids or even within yourself. It hurts to hurt.


Abuse, Homelessness and unstability and the stress it puts on your children

The other day I went to pick up Tommy and Dil from daycare and the weirdest thing happened. The teachers told me that Dil was refusing to eat all day and couldn’t stop crying. Usually Dil is the type of kid that runs around crazy and breaks things and never has a care in the world. So when I hear that my baby is feeling insecure it honestly made me cry. As soon as I walked in the room to get him from snack time, he started eating and drinking. I just felt so horrible because I am the reason he is feeling insecure.

Right now we are homeless. We moved out of a house we were living in with their dad because the abuse started getting out of control. My sons were picking up on it and acting out the same way their father was. So I knew changes had to be made so I did what I had to do. Since we haven’t had a stable place to stay, the boys have been feeling very insecure. It shows in everything. Unfortunately this is a really confusing time for them and they don’t get why this is happening. When I asked Tommy why he thinks its ok to hit and spit on me and laugh about it, he just said “we’ll daddy does it”. That burned me to the core.

When kids experience things like abuse and homelessness it changes their whole outlook and perspective. I can understand the insecurity that is there because I feel it to, every time I look for a new place to sleep for us that night. Some might say I made a stupid decision but for me it was the right one. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking abuse is ok but then again I don’t want them growing up insecure because mommy can’t find a place to live. Children’s lives get destroyed when they don’t have stability. I was told once that stability is the most important thing for a child and unfortunately right now I can’t give them that.

I hate seeing my kids cry, I hate the pain they feel and I feel it to. They love their father and they have every right to, so this affects them in that way to. They went from having a bed to sleep in at night to not knowing where we are going to be tomorrow. I put us in this situation, but I will get us out because the love you feel for a child is strong enough to conquer any problems in your path. My kids are stressed, but mommy will somehow make it work and make them feel better because they deserve it. They deserve a life without watching their mother get abused though as well. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? I am curious to know?



Single parenting, Hurtful or helpful?

I have been a single mother on and off for 5 years now. Honestly single parenting has always terrified me and probably always will. How do you know if single parenting is the right step to make? Some women don’t have the choice and end up single mothers because the fathers want nothing to do with their children. But what about when its your choice as a mother to be a single parent?

 Recently, I have cut off all contact with my kids father for reasons I have explained I earlier posts. In my opinion, as a mother, cutting him out of my life is probably the best thing I could do for my children. Between the domestic violence and just plain never having a nice word to say to each other, it was getting out of hand to where my sons thought it was okay to treat me the same way. Tommy and Dill’s father though is honestly a good father, just not a good, well anything else at his point in his life. My children were affected before the whole split and they are definitely affected now. Tommy is constantly asking me, “Why doesn’t daddy want to see me today mommy?” Honestly all I can do is sit there and tell him daddy is sick or daddy is at school or daddy is doing something. Even though I have a lot of hatred built up for their father,  I would rather my boys not. I stayed with their father in a messed up situation for years to ensure that my boys had a roof over their head and food on their plate.  It got to the point though that I became ready to break free and believe that within myself I can find the strength and resources to provide these things for my sons. My sons are hurt though, they are confused all the time and their is nothing I can do to make them feel better. I know some day they will feel better and in the long run that they are better off but are they?

My mother and her husband raise Phil in a two parent house hold. Phil like I have mentioned in earlier posts is a very spoiled basically only child considering his closest in age sibling is 19. Phil has his mommy and daddy at all times, as well as a two parent household income. Income in my opinion really does increase a child’s happiness because they are not needing of anything. Even though there have been problems in my moms and step dads relationship, they stick it out, which I find interesting. My mom is one of those people who doesn’t let go very well, which sort of passed on to me. My step father is an alcoholic and has mental health issues, which I know have affected my brother, but my brother is pretty much for the most part a happy kid. Did they make the right decision? I will never know, I kind of sit back and watch the situation play out.

Now Chuckie’s mom is a single mom as well. She has 2 kids that she cares for and figures out all the time how to raise them on their own. Chuckie’s father was in jail for 6 years of his life, so he did have a couple men come in and out and try and raise him like they were his father. He has a little half brother to a man that was abusive to his mother. In my observations, income is one of the biggest factors on if a child is happy with a single parent or not. Chuckie has nothing, then all the sudden he will have everything and then in  blink of an eye its all taken away again. I imagine that’s hard on a child’s ego and he must not expect much out of life since life hasn’t given him much in return. 3 men have stepped in to raise Chuckie since he was born, and they all come in an out of his if as well. Now that his father is out of jail, he is not having much contact with him either. The only person he’s ever had consistent in his life is his mother and that’s a rare thing as well.

So in the end, my biggest question is, does growing up without a mother or father in a child’s life hurt them? Or in the long run can it help them? What’s right or wrong when it comes to being a single parent, or even a two parent homed family? That’s where I wish you would tune in America and help me out, Maybe on some of your own experiences?